That's what one parent said to me a few years ago when I asked what brought them in to my office. They went on to say that it felt like what was once a pleasant family environment had become a battle ground. They weren't exactly sure how they got there and exactly what the war was about, much less what they got if they won. I've known many families who feel this way. It's as if they've been transported to the twilight zone where they don't recognize their children and no matter what they do, nothing works any more. The good news is there is much that can be done and many ways out of the war zone and back to a family you'd like to come home to. Allow me to make three simple points about families and the teenage years. It's my hope that these points will put this life stage in a context that makes sense, as well as offer some solutions you can take home. Point 1 - Raising teenagers can be very tough. How's that for a tremendous insight? Before you throw your paper down in disgust, hang in there long enough to understand what I mean. At no other time since birth are there so many abrupt and huge changes going on with both the child and the family. (And newborns can't talk back to you.) Going through the passage of adolescence is one of the most difficult tasks a family will ever undertake. What may be difficult for one family may be clear sailing for the next. I've known families that struggled with a kid keeping their curfew and others who struggled with their son stealing the car and going to California. It may seem like the family with the stolen car has a more serious and painful situation. But consider this - if you've got a broken thumb and I've got a broken leg, my injury may be more serious, but you're thumb still hurts. It's much the same way with families - they can each have their own unique pain. It's like Tolstoy said, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way." Point 2 - Families can get stuck "Rift in my family, I can't use the car. Have to be in by ten o'clock Who do they think they are?" Elton John Families can get stuck on virtually any issue. From broken curfews to stolen cars, from small issues to big issues. One family I know got stuck on the issue of "reminding." Let's call then the Reminder family and see if you may recognize your family here. They were spending a good deal of their family time "reminding" the children what they were supposed to do next - things like take out the trash, feed the dog, get ready for school, go to bed, etc. The were stuck in a cycle of consant reminding that only frustrated them and angered the kids. It would take several reminders before the kids would take any action. What the kids were learning was that they didn't have to take mom and dad seriously until after the second or third, sometimes eight or ninth "reminder." If you don't remember anything else from today's column, remember this - you are stuck when you keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results. Point 3 - Families have strength for change and growth. I am constantly amazed at the imagination, strength and creativity of families when they decide to change something. Allow me to offer just a few examples. - The couple, who during the family circus of the early teenage years, would have picnic dinners on the floor in their walk-in bedroom closet. They were committed to carving out time for their relationship in the midst of parenting. - One family I know had planned a three day camping trip for the whole family. The only problem was the weather had planned a hurricane for that same weekend. In the midst of their disappointment and frustration, they decided to camp out in their own home. They pitched their tents in the great room, lit their lanterns, (since the electricity was out anyway), and cooked in the fireplace. They had a great time and created a wonderful and lasting family memory. - Remember the Reminder family I mentioned earlier? Here's one the things that seemed to help get them unstuck. They had been struggling with a "chore chart" as a way to remind the kids what to do and when to do it. It occurred to me one day to ask them this - "Do you remember the TV show 'Bonanza?' Do you think Ben Cartwright ever needed a chore chart?" What they were able to do with that question was realize that they had been too easy on their kids and empower themselves to expect the kids to do their chores without all the reminding. Sometimes all it takes is a different way of looking at things. The last time I checked, the parents were holding firm, reminding much less, and enjoying family life much more. In closing, my challenge to parents is to use your creativity, strength and imagination to change and grow your family through the teen years. And then stay on the planer long enough to see your kids have their own teenagers. |
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