Since the days of the Neanderthal, these six words have been spoken with a solemn undercurrent of doom, always meant to portend a terrifying fate, always meant to stop children in their misbehaving tracks, and fill their imaginations with horrible visions of Dad-unleashed from all restraints of human decency-visiting an unmerciful Armageddon down upon his unruly offspring, until they beg for mercy, and promise never, ever to do anything wrong, ever, ever again!
Eventually, in most families, those six words cease to terrify-because the reality of Dad's homecoming rarely matches the threat. But even today, one of our society's unofficial rules is that Dad is the family disciplinarian.
Thanks to advances in child psychology, and the efforts of adults to approach "parenting" as more than a naturally occuring condition, the days of the paddle and the spanking are becoming memories of a bygone era.
So, how is a dad supposed to fulfill his duty, if the implied threat of unspeakable harm is no longer part of his disciplinary arsenal? By using more effective and longer-lasting methods, that's how.
Misbehavior on a child's part can have a number of causes, but part of a child's "job" is to test his limits. He may consciously violate a rule, just to see if such behavior really will result in the threatened consequences. And if the disciplinary buck is passed to Dad, it's Dad's job to see that the appropriate punishment is meted out, in a calm, logical way.
Punishment is always most effective when it's a logical reaction to a violation. For instance, if a child throws a toy across the room, the appropriate punishment might be a specific period of time without being allowed to play with that toy. And an explanation of why throwing the toy is prohibited (it could harm someone, for instance) will teach the child that your rules aren't simply arbitrary; children need to know why their actions require governing, so that they can learn proper social interaction.
Punishment is also most effective when it's administered calmly. Screaming and yelling teaches a child to resolve conflict in a similar fashion. Calmly explaining and applying punishment is a much more effective way to teach a child the natural consequences of his actions, and a more effective way of maintaining the moral high ground; when Dad becomes unhinged, he tends to lose the logical thread of his reasoning, and punishment becomes-in the child's eyes-a power play.
As with all aspects of effective parenting, communication is the key. When a child knows ahead of time the consequences of his actions, then he can make a choice-to obey the rules or not. That choice becomes clearer, the more he understands why the rules exist as they are; if he's been shown the damage he can cause by throwing that toy, he'll probably think twice about throwing it, especially since he understands the punishment he'll receive.
www.positiveparenting.com has a variety of helpful tips for dads and moms who want to find effective alternatives to traditional spanking.
With communication and follow-through of the promised punishment, "Wait till your father gets home!" can still be a mom's best threat, even without its old-fashioned visions of The Dad-Monster, unleashed. |
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