Dear Leader,

Ive been working with you and watching you for awhile and, quite frankly, you talk too much. I feel breathless sometimes just trying to keep up with everything you say you know.

When we talk privately, you mention that you are afraid of being caught not knowing. As a leader, you believe that you are expected to have all the answers. So you study long, hard hours learning what you think you might need to know for your next encounter or meeting. Maybe you do this because you fear that youll lose control in some way or maybe you just want to win the next disagreement. Whatever the reason, Im sad that you expend so much of your energy this way. Although knowing is often important to the work you do, there is another, sometimes better way to learn while also developing deep and respectful relationships.

Let go of needing to know

To begin, let go of the notion that you are less of a leader if you dont know the answers. You can never be totally prepared for all of the potential questions you will face. So what would happen if you decided to be curious in your next meeting, discussion or encounter? How wonderful would it be if you were surprised by what you hear when you listen deeply and actively to another person? Is there something new you might learn by listening? What might intense listening do for your relationships and connections with others?

I read recently that when a person really feels heard, they release endorphins (biochemicals that make us happy). The fact is that people would rather be heard than hear your answers to everything. They mostly dont care about all of the stuff you know. They just want to tell their story and be listened to.

Practice not having all the answers

Test it for yourself. What can you gain by trying to listen by being curious by waiting to be surprised?

Try listening consistently to one individual. This may be someone about whom you have made a negative judgment perhaps one of those difficult relationships. Make the commitment to yourself that you will suspend judgment and deeply listen each time you meet with this person.

Let your natural curiosity take over. Ask questions that are open-ended and allow the person to tell his/her story. These questions often begin with the word what. Then listen deeply and actively to this persons answers.

Gauge what it felt like to not know. Was it as frightening as you thought it might be? What did you learn from the other person? What surprised you about what they said? Did your surprise allow you to open up and challenge your own knowledge or beliefs? Did your listening help you to learn anything about yourself or the other person? Did it improve your relationship with that person?

In the end, you dont need to have all of the answers, but you should have some of the questions. Its amazing what you will learn when you come from a place of not knowing.

And finally, what freedom to act could you have if you knew that not knowing would liberate you to be a better leader?

All my best, Mary Jo

Mary Jo Asmus

As President of Aspire Collaborative Services, Mary Jo Asmus specializes in leadership, partnering with senior executives, ?high potentials? and their teams to clarify and support them in achieving their professional and business goals. Mary Jo's global Fortune 500 background in business areas as diverse as human resources; research and development; organizational development; and business strategy allow her to provide valuable insights about individuals and organizational systems.

Mary Jo?s hallmark is her professionalism, honesty and integrity. Her style is facilitative and focused on the results needed to reach and surpass individual and organizational goals. Her passion for collaborative partnership and discovering strengths facilitate action suited specifically for the individual and team. She feels strongly about the role of integrity and ethics in coaching and subscribes to the ICF Code of Ethics.

Her clients are high-integrity and motivated leaders and teams in all business sectors ? public, private, non-profit and government - who appreciate Mary Jo?s ability to customize the approach to foster successful change.

Mary Jo?s area of expertise include workplace relationships and communication, engaging and motivating individuals and teams; priority-setting; improved productivity; change management; self awareness, emotional intelligence; culture assimilation; and strategic planning and development.

Mary Jo is a graduate and former advisory board member of Corporate Coach University; is active in her profession as the President-elect of the state of Michigan coaching chapter, the former President of the West Michigan Coaching Chapter, and is an active member of the International Coach Federation. She has completed the Executive Leadership Institute at the University of Michigan, and is a licensed facilitator of The Coaching Clinic?, teaching coaching skills to leadership within organization. She is qualified and/or certified to deliver ?gold standard? assessments, including Myers-Briggs Type Instrument, DiSC, Platinum Rule and Panoramic 360.

Mary Jo is recognized for inspiring and energetic keynotes and workshops for leaders at all levels on topics such as developing collaborative teams, improving work relationships, coaching skills, escalating emotional intelligence in the workplace, enhancing team and workplace communication, and strategy.